By Jack Sparacino
For many fortunate people, life is good. Others look forward to attaining or regaining that state. For all of us, a few things added to our lives, both simple and more lofty, might just make the world easier to take. So, inspired by my buddy Jim, I got to thinking, wouldn’t it be great if:
1. Another Will Rogers (or two) came along. Sooner than later, and they lived way past 55.
2. Relaxing while reading or watching TV and enjoying a cold drink after mowing the lawn counted as “multi-tasking.”
3. Lowcountry waters never ran low on crabs.
4. All appliances ran cordless, including vacuum cleaners.
5. Comedy without vulgarity made a huge comeback.
6. Major league baseball players earned reasonable salaries (top player Ty Cobb made $35,000 for the Detroit Tigers as a player/manager in 1922, his 18th season, compared to millions for average/good players today).
7. Every child learned the joys of reading in addition to the basic skill.
8. Gasoline smelled better than new tires.
9. Someone invented freeze dried water. Why, a case of water would weigh next to nothing and be so much easier to toss into your trunk!
10. Customer service centers were populated only with employees who really focused on their customers above all else. And spoke your language.
11. All construction and assembly workers who need to wear safety equipment actually did so. The fellow I saw fall off a fork lift truck, for example, is lucky he didn’t land on his head. (And don’t get me started about guys using chain saws without wearing safety glasses.)
12. All adults were as candid as your average 5 year old.
13. Ice never formed on bridges, roads or runways but stayed where it belongs — in tea, soda, sculptures and skating rinks.
14. Short people were just as likely to rise to leadership positions as tall people.
15. A bee keeper named Nunnivyer tried to sell his own wax.
16. Learning to play the piano really well wasn’t so darned difficult.
Also the banjo.
17. As good as it is, Grape Nuts cereal had a more accurate name. And as long as we’re at it, how about other products: Truly Fabulous Whole Wheat Bread, Mediocre Diluted Dishwashing Liquid, Gag Me With a Spoon Discount Root Beer, and so forth.
18. No one ever had to ask for help. It just happened.
19. All live rock bands were as amazing as The Allman Brothers. Eat a peach indeed.
20. More politicians in Washington had the heart, honesty and unbounded goodwill of their dogs.
21. Meyer lemons came with slightly fewer seeds.
22. It was 50% easier to remember the name of someone you were just introduced to.
23. Birthdays were optional.
24. Fresh lilies kept falling at your feet.
25. Everywhere you traveled was as beautiful as the Lowcountry.
By Jack Sparacino