My perfect Christmas letter

in Cherimie Crane/Contributors by

By Cherimie Crane Weatherford

As I rush to the mailbox in search of the red and green nuggets of holiday humor, check-ins and cheer, it occurred to me that every single person I know has had an absolutely fabulous year. It is astonishing really. The letters are full of seamless perfection, everyone’s kids have been angels straight from heaven, relationships are right out of “The Notebook,” jobs are sweet moments of magic, and the family pet might as well run for president. I just get all warm and fuzzy inside reading the joyous notes from so many of my friends, family, and even a few people I may or may not know. It is nothing short of a Christmas miracle.
Stacking the cards, notes, and novels of nobility, I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if I wrote my own Christmas letter. After all it has been quite a year for me too. Would the world split wide open if I admitted that on most days my job rivaled a swift kick to the teeth or maybe that my significant other, although highly significant, has made me question my very existence a time or two. I guess there may be a few kindred spirits who will find it useful.
“Merry Christmas, y’all! My Perfect Christmas Letter:
What an incredibly interesting year it has been. As many of you know, I am still riding the tidal wave of real estate and it slams me ashore every chance it gets. It is much better than the tilt-a-whirl and almost as fun as a root canal. I suppose I could be described as successful — if by successful you mean exhausted, stressed, beat up, overwhelmed and suddenly anti-social. Yes, I am successful. I love my cell phone, it almost always brings interesting news, especially when it works. For example, on Mondays it rings nonstop with people who thought of me all weekend. Some of them don’t curse quite as much as others, but my phone sure does ring. The market is improving. It is a slow, painful, morbidly challenging, make-you-want-to-curl-up-in-a-hole-and-die sort of improvement, but improvement nonetheless. My coworkers are a most jovial group. With all the good news avalanching our way, it is just like working in Santa’s workshop. All smiles and whistles, each and every one of them.
Somewhere in the blizzard of running a small business, occasional sleep and personal hygiene, I planned a wedding. Now, anyone who is embarking on losing a few pounds, this is a sure thing. It is amazing what a little family gathering can do to your waist line. If you really want to tone it up, plan a wedding during football season, the Shrimp Festival, and 16 hours away from anyone who could possibly assist you with the hour to hour panic attacks. It was a splendid occasion without any awkward moments, if by awkward you mean normal.
I married my soul mate, this is true. We are perfectly designed to aggravate and annoy the ever living daylights out of each other. We do have our breaks in battles where we live, laugh and love but our strength comfortably resides in our uncanny ability to push the other’s buttons. I love coming home to fishing poles and lures so delicately placed from one wall to the other. My heart beams with pride when I find dead shrimp in the delicate cycle of the washing machine or a golf ball tucked politely in my pillow. There is nothing quite like waking up at 3 a.m. to my charming, 6”4’ hubby with a headlight on his forehead in full camo reaching in for a kiss. How romantic.
To add to my year of perfection, there were the little things. The moments of public humiliation; the emails I shouldn’t have sent; the text messages that may or may not be used against me in a court of law; the speeding tickets (ticket if you are talking to my husband); the outfits that, in retrospect, should have been donated; the empty wine bottles that should have stayed at least half full; and the numerous occasions where thinking before speaking would have been well advised. Basically, I had a perfect year.
From my family to yours, may your Christmas be as interesting, challenging, and as near to tremendous as humanly possible. If it weren’t for the less-than-stellar moments, it would be just another boring Hallmark card. Cherish the chaos, rejoice in the ridiculous, and keep the wine at the ready. Merry Christmas to y’all and to y’all a good night!”