By Tim Wood
Well, I have finally had it! I’m so fed up with this MAGA debauchery that I’ve joined a class-action lawsuit against Donald J. Trump, President of the United States of America.
The numbers are quite impressive: Seven million U.S. registered voters have signed up on this class-action and we are seeking $3,000,000,000 in damages … each. The accusations include, but are not limited to, extreme anxiety and bitter pessimism on top of utter disillusionment with 30 to 40 percent of the U.S. population.
Now, though, we are presently quite excited about a positive settlement since President Trump’s legal victories are few and far between; I mean, E. J. Carroll is getting $83,000,000 (isn’t she??) and twenty-one qua-trillion has a nice ring to it … well, we think it does.
I have no idea what the others will do with their settlements but I plan to purchase Alcatraz Island and turn it into the biggest, most beautiful spa ever created. A resort/casino catering to ultra-athletes who can only enjoy this very exclusive retreat by swimming to it from San Francisco Bay. I, of course, will live in a very super-duper, ultra expensive and opulent penthouse on top of the island’s highest guard tower. There won’t be any rescuing struggling swimmers either; only the best and fittest military types are welcome. No losers!
The world’s biggest and best hygienic staff will be at the complete disposal of all of my high-achiever-guests: Like D.T.’s friends Kim Kardashian; my new old pal Tyler Perry; (maybe) Crazy Elon and, of course Jeffrey B. with his blushing bride, Lauren … if any of them survive the swim!
There will be plenty of hot rocks, trigger pointing, orange skin tinting, hair implanting and the most professional, best-ever comb-over beauticians the world has ever known. All the stuff that a lot of money will buy (after your U.S. dollars are converted into the resort’s special crypto cards …).
The sky is the limit but Jeffy has fabulous ($$$$) deals for going on beyond the sky! Did I mention Iwill have the whole of Alcatraz Island painted bright white, putting Ostuni, Italy to shame?
Entertainment will include, but is certainly not limited to, lobbing grapefruit mortars at passing boats and ferries; fireworks and parades, every night, with Christian/patriotic and military themes as well as viewing Wayne (Mr. Las Vegas) Newton in the middle of the night as he is sleeping within his personal, all glass, cryonic chamber. (We’ve agreed with Amazon … thanks Jeff … to mail him back and forth, to and from Vegas, every 24 hours).
We’ve been told our case will get eyes and ears around 2040 or sooner, depending on how quickly President Trump’s pending 300 legal cases work through the U.S. system, as long as no more are added. Gee, I hope we still have the chance to get rich quick even when Donald J. is dead and gone. I mean, I’m only thinking about the future for our kids, grand kids, and great grandkids; Although … the biggest and best class-action lawsuit the world has ever seen (or will ever see) is pretty big and beautiful too.
Timothy E. Wood, retired carpenter of the United States of America. Thank you very much for your attention to this very important matter.
