By Josefina Blanc
In music, time is measured in sound and silence, sound in notes and silence in rests. One of the most overlooked note values is silence. But what would music be without it? And what would life be without rest?
I just found out of Kim’s passing. The world is most surreal today.
Every move I make seems so far away from my understanding. The sight of my phone, the sight of my dressing for work, and brushing my teeth, are unintelligible. There is no resentment to it. It is just far removed. The consciousness that is watching me do the things I do in this world is quite different from the person going to work this morning. That observing consciousness is still this morning. It is warm and silent, hurt, and so very lonely.
Then I turn around and I see, so clearly, that there are thousands of us, in a sort of floating stage, in full communion this morning, completely aware of how far we have removed ourselves from our bodies and from this beautiful earth our feet walk on. I smile at them, it is everybody, it is a sister, a son, a brother, a legion of practicing disciples, a friend, an enemy, an acquaintance, a mentor, a teacher, a grocer, a neighbor, an ex, a beloved relative, a dolphin, a dance partner, a school mate, a stranger, we are all there, confused by what just happened so beyond articulation, that we just are, here. Here we are one now. Here we don’t need to travel, here we don’t need to speak or cry or understand anything. Here is where she has gone before us.
Kim, your tiny dancer’s life was musical in every way. You were a true artist and a profoundly talented one. You were completely original, true to yourself, true to nature and to your nature, to the good and the dark. We will be celebrating so many aspects of your life: your generosity, your righteousness, your compassion, your beauty, your creativity, your loving heart … but today I will celebrate your talent, because it, to me, was your essence. You took your natural talents and bloomed well beyond the expected. It is quite evident to anyone who ever laid eyes on your moving body, that you had the gift of eloquence. Your expression was made of a heavy weight somewhere between your heart and your feet’s roots, and of the lightness of your senses and the flow of your soul. There is nothing I can say that could describe you accurately enough, or your gifts to me, the gratitude I feel for you, and the sadness that is knowing we won’t gather around the fire in flesh and blood this time. Ours was a brief friendship, but one of my most precious and infinite ones. Nothing compares to your presence. Nothing could compare to your courage, to your insisting on not doing business as usual, or your being completely unreasonable, yet make so much sense. You lead me through a yogi’s awareness into insights at which I could have never arrived alone. Everything about you breathed effortlessness, you were able to do so much without doing, and with those actions you wrote a wordless treatise on the difference between control and command. Thank GOD there is Dragana to be your mirror sister and your legacy, for me and for many. Thank YOU for all the inspired and gifted teachers you leave us with. And above all, thank you for showing me how to raise an only child, a precious boy, so he can become an authentic, creative, kind and free human being as well. That is your greatest talent and accomplishment, and that is saying quite a bit, considering the heftiness of your other ones.
When I turn again from these thoughts, later today, I see us all again, still a bit ethereal, removed, still half-following her. Like Kim would have pointed out, there are no differences or boundaries between the body, the mind, the soul and the universe. She would say that resisting a muscle’s relaxation would only create more tension, and often lead to injury. If she were to speak to us in our pain, I know she would say something like: “The heart is a muscle, and when it stretches beyond its comfort place, pain will speak. Do not resist this opening, as to not injure your heart. Just listen to it, and breath into it.”
There is no pretending that some of our hearts won’t rip. But maybe we can reduce our collective suffering by taking this event into our physical and spiritual practice, to open the heart, slowly, fearlessly, until Kim’s life AND death both can fit in it. This practice will require great courage, and great patience, but very little effort, because being gentle is what we seek when healing a sacred heart. Borges, I believe, once said that loving somebody was basically realizing how completely unique they are. Well, then, I will say no more, I guess that is my love for you in a quote, Kim. Words are mostly inadequate anyway, so let’s nurture and enjoy the silence.
In passing, we are certain that her biggest concern would be for her son AJ’s welfare. Please consider donating any sum of money on his behalf, on her website http://yogachandracenter. com or at SCB&T under Om Fund for Kim (843-521-5660; 189 Sea Island Parkway, Beaufort, SC 29907).
