THE THREE PHASES OF A B&E: On Friday, September 23, officers responded to a fight at a motel room around 11:30 p.m. A witness reported seeing a woman chase a man with a crutch who was chasing another man whilst trying to hit him with his crutch. What could this be, the witness must’ve wondered. A kinky escapade? Some sort of new adult game? No, this friends, was a well-planned breaking and entering that only looked like a queer ambush. Phase 1: When breaking and entering, chose your company wisely. B&E criminals always want an accomplice. This particular man’s choice, however, was unconventional yet clever. Since he was breaking and entering a motel, he chose an insider accomplice — the front desk clerk. The clerk, a friend, gave the man the room key he needed. Phase 2: Go disguised as a cripple. No one ever suspects the cripple. Phase 3: Catch your wife with another man in a motel room and chase him down with the crutch. Your disguise conveniently becomes your weapon. Even though the man was charged for his B&E, and the desk clerk for accessory before the fact, I’d have to say, well played sir.
FAR OUT: Two unidentified walking objects, no subjects. Two unidentified walking subjects were going door-to-door selling magazines subscriptions. They claimed the magazines would be sent to wounded warriors. Aw, how sweet right? After a client of these alleged “unidentified subjects” cut a check for the cause, he later went online and discovered that it was all a scam. Typical — illegal aliens. They knew exactly how to tug at the poor human’s heartstrings, and there goes his money off to space.
VANDALISM OF THE PSYCHE: On Friday, an unknown subject cut a small boat loose from a dock. The boat was later retrieved and tied back up by a citizen. That poor small-boat-owning family — that criminal should be ashamed. He should have just taken it! Not because that family would be happier without their small boat, but because now every time they want to take it out they will ask themselves, Why? Why would someone cut the rope and not even take it?
MEN WHO THINK WITH THEIR GUTS: Late on Saturday night at Panini’s, a man was arrested for assaulting another man. The suspect, under cuffs, was charged with resisting arrest after he kicked an officer in the stomach. Hopefully he can stomach the law.
Compiled by Tess Malijenovsky. Crime Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Beaufort Police Department. Please contact the police with any insider information on these cases.