By Scott Graber
It is Thursday, and I’m in the lobby of the Partridge Inn Hotel in Augusta, Ga. The lobby, indeed the entire hotel, comes with green-painted walls celebrating Arnold Palmer, Greg Norman and the Masters Golf Tournament, which happens nearby.
But this morning, there is a white-lights-only tree in the lobby; Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” is looping through their sound system; and there is a well-used, frequently refreshed coffee urn in the corner.
When I was a boy, I was part of a military family that often, spent Christmas on the road. Mother and Dad may have had, their differences, they came from different cultures, but they both agreed that travel — even on holidays — was essential.
Sometimes it was Mexico City; sometimes Salzburg; and during the Christmas holidays Bethlehem — and its camels, donkeys and wise men — were often transported into these cushioned, carpeted lobbies.
The Partridge Inn people haven’t re-created Bethlehem here in Augusta; but my coffee-fueled brain takes me back to last Saturday night and Port Royal’s Golf Cart Parade.
For several years now, my wife and I have invited a few friends over to watch a small cohort of decorated golf carts that usually come down London Avenue in their lonely, looping journey around town.
This was a five-cart, five-minute affair that attracted no more than 50 people along its entire route. But last Saturday night, there were hundreds of muffled-up, beverage-sipping folk standing in the early-evening darkness along Paris Avenue. Susan and I found a spot just across the street from the old town, hall where Port Royal’s Council once held its meetings; where the fire department housed its fire truck; where the police department parked their two reconditioned Crown Victoria cruisers.
Apparently there were 70 carts, all draped with lights, many of the arthritic, aging drivers impersonating elves and flinging candy into the crowd. But I must admit that I was disappointed with the quality of the candy.
Yes, I did scramble onto Paris Avenue stiff-arming two teenagers and bringing home two fruit chews and a Tootsie Pop. I must report that I found the cherry flavored chew rigid enough to suggest left-over Halloween candy. The second chew was equally tough, the orange flavoring bearing little resemblance to the orange-flavored Tootsie Roll Pop that I usually bought (for 2 cents) at the post exchange at
Fitzsimmons Army Hospital in Denver.
I can also report that one cart abandoned candy altogether. Instead they handed-out onions which they removed from large bags handing them to startled bystanders who sometimes said, “What the hell …”
I was also disappointed with the music. There wasn’t much variety, “Feliz Navidad” clearly the favorite tune dominating the parade’s play list. I had hoped for something from Wayne Newton or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or at least “Mama Loved the Roses” from Elvis Presley’s Christmas Collection.
The carts all came with lights, and with oldsters — some sporting Santa-like caps and wearing green “gremlin” masks. But I kept hoping for a nativity scene. And yes, I know that a proper scene would involve multiple actors, at least one donkey, an infant and would have to be towed. But I have
seen the larger, more powerful carts like “the Beast” on Port Royal’s streets and I did spot one towed platform in this year’s parade.
For the most part the decorations tended to emphasize the secular side of Christmas — inflated elves and candy canes — but one entry had huge, Michelin-man sized creatures walking along beside their cart. These barrage balloon-sized men would not fit in a normal cart and I did notice that the two teenagers averted their gaze and did not fight me for their candy.
The Beaufort Christmas Parade always includes its Mayor and Council jammed into the same cart. Usually they appear to be at ease as they wave, make eye contact and sometimes call out the name of a spectator. Port Royal’s parade does not include dignitaries.
Notwithstanding their absence, Port Royal’s Council might consider an appearance next year. This year Council reinforced the town’s tree protection ordinance; re-wrote the short term rental rules; stood up to Safe Harbor; showed concern for the apartment tsunami that threatens to engulf Shell Point and the Town’s new Mayor — Kevin Phillips — readily gives out his cell phone number.
Perhaps they’ll continue this record next year earning a victory lap in the Golf Cart Parade next December.
Scott Graber is a lawyer, novelist, veteran columnist and longtime resident of Port Royal. He can be reached at cscottgraber@gmail.com.
