Because I don’t look good in orange jumpsuits

in Cherimie Crane/Voices by

 

By Cherimie Crane

 

It has been one of those days. I have two choices: 1. Tell everyone what I really think (and subsequently be shot, incarcerated and/or committed) 2. Make a joke out of the whole thing (and subsequently feel some sort of relief, justification and/or free group therapy).

I don’t look good in orange jumpsuits, I don’t like being shot, and could never survive in a rubber room. Therefore, my sense of humor is all I have left.

To all my fellow Realtors, sellers, and the ever-coveted buyer, may you smile amidst the battles, and take some comfort in redefining these commonly used real estate terms:

1. Short Sale — A transaction in which the Realtor puts an endless amount of work, effort, sweat, blood, and many wasted days that is anything BUT a “Short” sale. The seller wants to sell; the buyer wants to buy. The bank can’t remember where they put the paperwork.

2. Foreclosure — This is where some Realtors are allowed to channel their creative side. No appliances, carpet is less than “clean,” the AC/heating unit may very well be running down the road in the middle of the night, the guy who determines the price is in another state, another time zone, and — often can be argued — another planet. Photographs require a bit of imagination. MLS description?!?! Shakespeare himself would be challenged, and then the search for who really has the keys (if there is still a door).

3. Under-contract — Hmm. Once upon a time this had a positive connotation. Now under-contract simply means somebody wants to buy something but nobody knows how much it is really worth; not even the appraiser. So now under-contract can also be described as overwhelmed, over priced (according to whomever doesn’t matter or for all parties involved, simply OVER IT!

4. Negotiations — Basically whatever you can’t do and can’t give, prepare to do and give immediately, not once but twice.

5. Closing — If you are able to make it to this event, everyone is so mad, frustrated, worn out, and simply unsocial it has a striking resemblance to your first cousin’s wedding. Security may be required, first aid kit advised.

Yet we continue. We continue to be the whipping post for a population so beat down. We continue to smile and encourage when there is no smile or encouragement left. We continue the long winding road towards a Short Sale, the aftershock of Foreclosure, and the anti-climatic close.

Then we go home to realize someone drank the last bit of wine. @%#$!!!!!!

How can I joke about the brutal reality? It is quite simple. If I don’t joke about my career, I will cry. If I cry, somebody is getting punched; which takes me back to my original point — I don’t look good in orange jumpsuits.