ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS: Last Saturday, an irate female customer at Smokers Express threw a can of beer at a clerk, damaging the credit card machine. The woman left the scene but a warrant was obtained for her arrest on account of vandalism of property. Now, if she had just stuck to what she came there for (uh, smoking?) there wouldn’t have been said problem. Go to a meeting, girl, it will change your life.

DEFRAUDING AN INN KEEPER: Relax, incident reports tend to sound a lot more dramatic than they truly are. See what happened was a broke female ate a meal at Applebee’s for $11.32, probably the Asiago peppercorn steak with herb potatoes and seasonal vegetables. Well, see, she ate that meal knowing she couldn’t pay for it and then tried the not-so-old-fashion dine-and-dash maneuver in which one leaves a restaurant without paying.  However, an employee stopped her and held her until officers arrived. Oh snap, that’s embarrassing. She should probably try the $5.99 all-you-can-eat lunch combo.

URBAN PUNCH: Yes, there exists an Urban Dictionary, and according to the Urban Dictionary, the word “punch” can be used in several dozen urban turn phrases. For example: punch buggy, punch bunny, punch break, punch a giraffe, punch a cranky, punch a grump, punch a kitten, punch the munchkin, et al. (Review the terms at your discretion.) Which, however, could be used to describe the situation last Saturday night at Panini’s in which a male was punched in the side of the head, leaving him knocked out and in the arms of the EMS? How about this description for “punch face”: “1. A reference to the type of face adorning someone who you want/need to punch in the face, with or without justification; 2. A face that immediately makes the person seem like a complete tool and makes you want to punch it.”

YOU’RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE: It’s sad the day has come that Beaufort is no longer a safe place to leave your cars unlocked, un-fearing that someone won’t steal your belongings inside. Two cars were robbed in the same location last Sunday on Church Street. A purse and a GPS were stolen from one unlocked vehicle, and tools and miscellaneous items were taken from another car that was locked, granted, but the widow was down. Those of you following the Weekend Crime Reports understand, but for you others: roll your windows up and lock your cars because everyone’s crap is getting stolen in town from the vehicles.

BONNIE &amp; CLYDE: Not quite the love story, but a couple did manage to collectively receive four charges last Saturday: one count of Public Drunkenness, one count of Malicious Injury to Real Property, one count of Criminal Domestic Violence and one count of Disorderly Conduct.  At only 10:30 p.m. at Applebee’s (yes, the same Applebee’s) an intoxicated Clyde jumped onto another person’s car and dented the ride. When the intoxicated Bonnie tried to get him to stop, Clyde threw her to the pavement. Once he was arrested — for the first three above-mentioned charges — Bonnie began “causing a scene” and was incidentally arrested for Disorderly Conduct. Ah, true love.

<em>Compiled by Tess Malijenovsky. Crime Report items are chosen from the files of the Beaufort Police Department. Please contact the police with any insider information on these cases.</em>